Transparent
In Kenya I have heard countless times that someone's story is what makes them who they are and shows just WHO has guided them through all of it's pages. Stories can heal, stories can restore, stories can rescue. I have heard it and seen it, but rarely do I believe it of myself.
I often tell myself that my story has little significance. That my story will not have any impact on anyone. These are lies of the Enemy. My story has power, meaning, and truth and I am ready to share just a snapshot of the last year.
The last two years have been more significant than you might think. The first time I went to Kenya and felt the calling on my life "coincidentally" happened two years ago. Most especially in the last year I have been called to more and in deeper with the life mission God has set in me. Since then I have been in a battle that some days I feel like a victor and other days I feel like waving a white flag. Thank goodness that the war is already won!
I want to be raw and show 2 pictures of myself:
The first picture was in October of 2017 when the facility I worked at was under flu lock down. We were required to wear masks to prevent getting sick. I was smiling, bright eyed, and thinner. At the time fatigue and joint pain were becoming pretty consistent in my daily life and a few times I had reached full adrenal fatigue to the point of sleeping or laying down for hours at a time other than the time I slept at night. For the most part I was doing ok...little did I know what was coming.
In December of 2017 I got what I can only assume was the flu despite having a flu shot and wearing that pretty yellow mask for weeks on end. After that it was pretty much downhill. Fatigue, joint pain, pain all over. Then July came and it only got worse.
Fast forward a year to the second picture. November of 2018. Where to begin. This was taken after working over 8 hours while wearing the pretty yellow mask again, but this time it was doctor ordered. A few people I work with came down with a stomach bug so I became the "walking disease" for a week. My rheumatologist ordered that if I hear of anyone near me being sick I have to take all precautionary measures due to such a sad excuse for an immune system. So for a week I walked around in a building where everyone asked me if I was ok or made statements like, "are you sick or something?". It was embarrassing, but I knew if I didn't that I would be sick AGAIN.
Since I got back from Kenya in July I have been sick constantly. Colds, upper respiratory problems, 2 week long UTIs, on and on. In this picture I actually have terrible staph infections on my chin/neck and in my nose.
It never ends. So yes, I wore the mask and dealt with the ridicule.
Also in this picture is a girl with frizzy hair, no make up, dark circles, significant weight gain, and some defeat in her eyes.
Why did I take the second picture, you might be wondering. I wanted to make a comparison for myself. What I didn't know was that God was going to use it to redeem me and He was going to ask me to tell people about it.
I don't share these pictures or the glimpse into what my health as deteriorated to in a year for pity. Quite the contrary. I don't need pity or help even. What I need is for everyone to see that God was holding my hand the whole time.
He was there when I couldn't get off the couch for 8 hours. He was there when my relationships suffered because my pain and fatigue kept me from wanting to leave the house. He was there when I put on 25 pounds, my clothes didn't fit anymore, and my self worth diminished. He was there in all the embarrassment of being sick again. He was there when I sat at doctor's appointments awaiting lab results and diagnoses. He was there when doctor's took away things I enjoyed because of the effects they had on my body. He was there when I cried out in agony at the difficulty of just living.
If He wasn't there...I wouldn't be here. I mean that in all the transparency I can reveal. Without His constant, steady hand on my heart I would have ended it. Given up and quit everything by whatever means necessary. But He lifted me up out of the pit time and time again and for most of those times I barely recognized it.
I have days that are terrible. Days that I want to just stay in bed. But after all those months of waiting for answers and getting just a few I have made changes that has given me more good days than bad days. Before that was not the case.
Beyond those changes, I have made a heart change. My eyes have been opened to His care and I cling to it now. God has shown me that He is not done with me and that this will not stop me. He has a huge mission and calling on my life that He intends to use me for until HE calls me home. When it gets hard, when it is more that I can take I am giving it up to Him...not giving up.
My hope and prayer is that my story does have significance. That it changes a life. That it gives someone hope. That is rescues. I am done hiding in the shadows thinking my story is second rate.
They would tell me in my beloved land of Kenya that anything the Lord has carried me through is something to rejoice in and share with everyone. My war is nowhere close to ending, but I press on into the battle with the greatest Warrior ever known.
So there it is...a raw picture of Hayley. Thanks for reading.
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